Taking a moment to vent

I LOATHE Kaiser (my HMO) Each time I call to speak to my midwife I have to go through their obnoxious phone menu system and they send her office a message on the computer saying that someone is trying to reach them. Then I get a call back either from her nurse or from the general advice nurse. Usually, even though I would like to talk to my midwife, I just suck up and talk to whomever calls me back, but this time I actually need to speak with my midwife about a possible homebirth midwife who she used to work with and also to see if I can get a copy of my medical records to share with said possible new midwife without jumping through all the hoops and possibly causing concerns about continuing my care. (I intend to do co-care through my HMO to avoid transfer difficulties should that need arise.)

So I tell the person who called me back that I really just need to actually speak to my midwife this time because we need to talk about some things that came up in one of my appointments (She told me at the appt where she said she couldn't be at a homebirth for us that she would be glad to give us any feedback she could on midwives and to ease any transition to one) So thisnurse, even though I was trying to be firm but polite hung up on me after snottily telling me that I would just have to wait until my midwife got in tomorrow. I mean come on.

I can't talk to my provider herself without jumping through major hoops (even though midwives are *supposed* to be more accessible), my appointments are a travesty time-wise, especially after what my appointments with my homebirth midwife last time, and I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant and not only am I not being seen every 2 weeks now, my appointments are generally 5 weeks apart, and I won't be seen again until I am 33 1/2 weeks pregnant (from 28 weeks) Is this stupid to anyone else or am I being overly sensitive? This is all part of the reason that I have stopped being able to compartmentalize my feelings about facing a hospital birth as the "pragmatic" decision. How many babies am I going to have anyway? With as difficult as it was to get pregnant with this one, I might not ever have another baby. And don't I and this baby deserve a peaceful birth? And with all the stess and crap surrounding just trying to speak to my provider, why in the world should I believe that the birth will be anything but a big pain in the butt and a fight from start to check-out?

Plus, about that homebirth, Unless I am able to find someone who will be willing to negotiate and work with us, (I have an appt on Friday with someone who *might* be willing since we are so far along) We cannot find the money to have a homebirth midwife. Just typing that sentence makes me cry. Around here, the midwives run about $3400-$4000 for a homebirth. To have the baby at our HMO would cost us $200 at most, probably way less, because that is based on their $100/day policy and we would check ourselves out ASAP. The cost with DS ended up being miserable because DH lost his job right before my 3rd trimester started and it took him 9 months to find another job, which led to it taking 2 years to pay off DS's birth.

And yet, the thought of having this baby in a hospital makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't care if our midwife has said that she will be on call for us. I don't care that we can check ourselves out of the hospital after 6 hours. I want to have my baby at home with my husband in the quiet and peace of our space. I avoid any thinking about the actual birth. I haven't even gone to see the labor and delivery area of the hospital because I am avoiding the inevitable, perhaps with the (obviously mistaken) notion that by avoiding it, it will never come to pass. Also, I'm pretty sure I will burst into tears during the tour in a fairly embarrassing way. Heck, I burst into tears at everything these days, so why not at something actually emotionally charged?

And as a side freak-out, the friend I thought would be able to help out with DS when I was birthing is going through a major emotional crisis, and while I am not upset with her or anything, (and actually I really feel for her. As burnt out as she is, I can hardly believe she has held up this long) I have no freaking idea where DS will go during the birth whether we have the baby at home or not (He has asked to not be here for it.) I hate being 2000 miles away from family. Any family.

A few pictures, since I haven't posted any in ages:

From that Waldorf Faire I mentioned a few weeks back. Don't you love his acorn necklace? :) :



And from DS's 4th birthday at Goofy's kitchen.



and



More later because I want to talk about my homebirth, or maybe lack thereof, and a kind of babysitter bummer that I wouldn't mind feedback on.

Random Ramblings

So I still haven't told anyone about this blog. The only people who come here are those who either find it from one of the 3 people who have it on their blogroll or are one of those 3 people or my SIL (who comes here every few months or so.) I don't know why. On one hand, I like not having to answer to people IRL about what I post here so that I can vent about stuff like DH or family or whatever. OTOH, it might be nice to have people to talk to instead of just cyberspace.

Second, this blog is increasingly inaptly named. My knitting is nonexistant nowadays with this pregnancy carpal tunnel. And that blows because I really want to get some diaper covers and longies knitted and it just isn't happening. But, then again, my whole homekeeping has suffered this pregnancy. I am having a hard time even keeping up with cooking and cleaning and laundry, nevermind sewing, mending, knitting, baking, crafts, etc. I guess it is getting me ready for the utter lack of time I will have with a newborn, but I kind of feel cheated especially because I know that my free time will take a major fall when the baby comes.

Third: DS and school. Now this is a subject that I am struggling over. We are involved in a homeschool group. We were actually involved in another one a while back, but there are some bullying issues there and I don't intend on exposing my DS to bullying when I can avoid it, IYKWIM. So this new group spun off of the playgroup we have been involved with since DS was just 6 months old (He turned 4 last week) Many of the families have been DS's playmates for years and it tends toward the younger end of the spectrum rather than the preschool to high school groups around elsewhere, mostly because we have spun off of our playgroup and we are reaching this age together.

Anyway, I am frustrated with this group because one of the big problems people often bring up about homeschooling is socialization. Which, BTW, is inaccurate. What they really mean is having consistant social outlets with the same general group of people. Anyway, I tend to agree that this is a concern with homeschooling so my goal then is to attempt to find a consistant group of people with whom we interact on a very regular basis. This group can't seem to manage even a weekly park day. At best we have a biweekly park day, but those are sporadically attended. Sometimes there are tons of kids, sometimes 2. They have also instituted what they call Young Explorer Days on a weekly basis. Problem with this? Tons of driving. Sometimes hours of it. They want to explore some local places, some not local places and even include hiking. Well, hiking is out for us because DS will poop out after the 1st mile and want to be carried. And I am 7 months pregnant and not carrying a 50+lb child for another few miles. And yes, the hikes tend toward the 2+ mile length there and then again back. Some 3-5 year olds can do this, but certainly not even the majority. I won't even get into the fact that we live in (and they are hiking through) mountain lion country and there have been attacks and deaths, although not tons of them.

So to recap, the only regular weekly get together isn't very consistant given that the place varies every week, sometimes by a hundred miles, or includes activities that are just not appropriate for the general age range of the group. (general age range being 3-6 years old, with many younger siblings from newborn to 2) Now how good is this for social interaction and community building? It isn't. Which encourages me to not homeschool. But then my friends who have children in the school system tell me about what goes on there which strongly encourages me to homeschool. And I'm not even talking about their horror stories! Plus, I have a year and a half before DS even qualifies for kindergarten because of where his birthday falls and preschool is WAAAAAAAY out of our budget even if it were something we were interested in. So we are looking at homeschooling at the very least until he qualifies age-wise for kindergarten. *sigh*

This is a cool DH story

For years as a child I asked for the Crayola Color Caddy. Wanted it with all my heart and every year I got a different Crayola kit, because my parents apparently had no idea what I was talking about. So this has come up over the years with DH here and there, mostly as a humorous aside, because I harbor no distress over this, but I always thought it was funny that my parents, well meaning though they were, couldn't manage this fairly simple gift.

Fast forward to this year. DH has been trying, fruitlessly, to get me this Caddy for Hanukkah this year. They no longer make it in the US and haven't in years. So he has been hunting literally all over the world. He contacted Crayola customer service, who put him in touch with their UK division, who told him that they no longer make it either and the only place in the world that carries anything similar is Australia. So he contacted them and thought that this was a gift idea that was going to die because of seriously prohibitive shipping fees ($65 to get the thing here). And lo and behold, Crayola Australia is sending him one gratis. Just because it was such a sweet story and they wanted to help out.

So this year I am finally getting a Crayola Caddy. Of course I don't know what I will do with it... :)

In other news, I went to the party and had a crummy time. I was bored and seasick (which kept me from being hungry I guess :) ) But DH enjoyed himself and seems to believe that we both had a grand time, so I'm happy to let him believe that. It is over and I have about 3 years before I have to go to another one! :) Oh, and just FWIW, DH got home at just past 7:30pm that night, in case you were wondering.

Sucky Mom of the Week goes to...

Me. Yeah me. This pregnancy is kicking my butt nowadays. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I am seriously tired of fighting with my almost 4yo about everything. And when I am at my tiredest (early evening and facing dinner with a dread previously unknown to me) he is at his wildest and most aggravating. And DH has all of a sudden hit a point where it is impossible for him to get home at a reasonable hour. He just can't get his butt out the door when he says he will. For example, this week is Hanukkah, starting tonight. I told him that if he wanted to spend it with his son, he needed to get in earlier so he could leave earlier. Well, he got in earlier. And guess what? He isn't getting home any earlier. If he is here by 7:00 tonight I will probably pass out cold (and this after he told me he was shooting for 6:30) He also said that he would put in some extra hours yesterday so that he could free up a little time to be able to make leaving early a possibility. He worked until 11:30pm.

And I have to go to his work holiday party on Thursday. I DO NOT want to go to this. I am exhausted by 7pm and this thing doesn't even start until 7:30. It is on a boat on the ocean. I am slightly ocean-phobic, especially on boats. I have nothing to wear. Literally nothing because plus sized women apparently are not allowed to get pregnant. And if we do, we can order about 12 things, including 1 dress, via online. I did not order said dress, because I really don't need a black velvet floor length maternity dress that I will wear once. Does business casual mean jean skirts? I sure hope so. Oh, and it is a dinner cruise where you have to submit your dietary preference (i.e. vegetarian) at reservation time. Guess what they never even asked about. Bingo. So I won't have anything to eat either. So I'm going to be hungry, seasick, underdressed, and experiencing anxiety attacks about the ocean for the whole 2 1/2-3 hours I'll be on that thing. Matter of fact, I'm having a minor anxiety attack just thinking about it.